JustCryssi's Blog

I crawl into my bed, alone, sorrowful, wishing I was dead. I tuck myself in, hugging my pillow, wet with tears. I lay there quietly, still, waiting for the sun to rise. I try to keep my eyes ajar. Everytime I close them, I see your face, leaving a new scar. I roll over, I sob outloud, I drift away into a sleep so deep it chases the dreams away.

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Imma go bed, cuz Imma tired lil gurl... Imma rest my head and dream of things I would love to live. Imma go rest, and imagine things that may never happen, but would make my life worth living... Imma go, and dream of things I will never live... Imma go, and maybe I shall return.

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Now I lay me down to sleep... tie me up, hands then my feet... Fuck me hard, fuck me fast, fuck me more, so the pleasure will last... Let me rest, let me sleep, then flip me over and punge in mighty and deep... I need to be fucked, I need to be laid... I need to get my horny ass into bed, and join the world of the temporarily dead.

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Now I tuck me in to bed.. a plastic bag over my head. I breathe in mighty and deep, I lay down slowly giving in to the eternal sleep. I lay still and silent, all my days left unendured. I am happy, content, and at peace. ~Goodnight, forever.

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I want to die, I want to cease to exist. I want eternal relief, from this life that I am living amidst.

I want it all gone, I want it all done. I want to fell the weight of my burden come undone.

I want the happiness, I want the glee. I want the crimson flood pouring out of me.

I want it over, I want it now. I want to be through with my life, death ubiquitous.

Give me all, give me more. Make me happy to be no more.

Help me achieve this burning desire, help me quench this burning fire.

Watch me go, watch me stay, watch me die before the end of the day.

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Blissful death, life at fault.

Burning flames, as a start.

Perilous knife, a slow assault.

Pouring blood, from my heart.

********

I seek death's quiet reproach, I long for forever's promising hope.

I know no reason to linger here, only fading hope and sorrowed tears.

I ponder well the many things, coming up only with fallen angels and butterfly wings.

I plead for the chance to make my mistake, I search for the time to make my eternal escape.

I long for the day when all goes well, I hope so diligently that my actions don't find me eternally in Hell.

I stop. I breathe. I live. I exist. I smile. I cry. I stand. I think. I try. I seek. I defy. I choose not to die.

*********

goodbye

As I crawl into bed, these are the thoughts in my head: Fuck this life, fuck it all... I can't wait til it all draws naught. I want it over, I want it done; I want to be dead, happy at once.... I want my peace, I want my bliss, I want you too- eternally, I shall miss. I enjoy my selfish ways, enjoying them day by day.... torturing those closest, I know. Now I say to my maker, 'Please take me home!!' ... after I shared my thoughts, I bore my soul... I ask you to care, and the truth, to yourself, you shall behold. If you know me, you know what I write; if you trust me, you know I shall return to your side.... if you doubt me, my entiring being will be gone.... so, decide and folow through, as I am tired.

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Leary of my mind, I wander ambigiously through my own thoughts, searching for myself. Peering through the nestled neuro-matter, I see my life.... I see the good times, and bad; the fun times, and sad. I see my days spent happily enthralled with my love, and my days spent sobbing because of my love. I see mornings of happiness that only yielded sorrow, and days of gloom that yeilded into a happy eve. Then, I saw you... the one who has never betrayed me... always been there, and I cried. Now, as I am content, I shall roll over and sleep, to dream dreams of love, life, and the future.

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As I listen to the melodious silence, I contemplate a freedom beyond all imagine. I dream of days that never unleash their fury, and days that fail to make my ubiquitous emotions flow forth. I want for carefree days that allow for my seldom-seen happinessto be imparted. I long for nights of content solitude, interrupted only by my methodic turning of pages.

I rebuke the idea that human interaction is the only true form of socialization. The individuals found wandering through tthe numerous pages of even the most lackluster of books are just as much social entities as their human counterparts, if not more so.

People as a whole perplex me beyond all imagination: emotions, actions, thoughts, wants, wishes, desires, and drives. Emotions consume all at some point, in time, leading to actions that do not always follow their own partition of status quo. Thought, much like mine, that seem idealistic unrealities, leading only to wants for ultimate joy, the wishes for dreams fulfilled, desires for happiness unforseen, and the drive to make all the carnal passions revealed. As my foundry of thoughts basks in its own glow, I awake to the realization that all I desire is not only improbable, but seemingly impossible.

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Touch me, teach me... Love me, beat me... Miss me lots, hold me tight... Mourn my existance day and night, torture my soul til the dawn turns nigh... Hold me close, while I push you away; Ask me to love you, while I wither away. Kiss me gently, retreat in the night, leave me be, alone in my plight.

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I bid thee peace, I bid thee nigh... I bid thee calm, for the rest of your life. I hope no more sorrows to fall, I hope more joys do call. I leave you be, with the impression of might; I leave you alone, on this unending night.

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My ailing body, I tuck into bed.. my soft pillow, compressed by my head.... Unfurling my body under my sheet.. feeling the caress from my head to my feet.... I writhe and I sqiurm.. my brain having thoughts I cannot discern.... I hope for sleep and rest.. now I let my mind go, and hope for the best.

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My time has come, and my time has gone.. it's time for my day to be done. I have lingered, and I have waited... now it's time for my sleep, belated. I'd love you to snuggle, I'd love you to cuddle... but in my bed, by you, I shall be befuddled. In the morn, I shall wake... alone and miserable is my fate. My day shall continue, as does it always ... only to end in this, a murky haze.

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Love me, Leave me.

Hurt me, Teach me.

Hate me, Miss me.

Love me, Let me be.

In the end, it all revolves around me.

Know me, Envy me.

Meet me, Enjoy me.

See me, Judge me.

Love me, Let me be.

All in all, I will only be me.

Hear me, Sense me.

Understand me, Need me.

Have me, Feel me.

Love me, Let me be.

After all is through, I will still be me.

_____________

... head wrapped in plastic.

... wrists pouring blood.

... neck squeezed by rope.

... lungs holding water.

... thighs gaping from blade.

... arms wrapped around the end.

Death, claiming all of me...

______________

When my life is over, my statisfaction...

After my last breath is gone, my contentment...

begin.

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Death shall be my happiness.

My demise will be joyous.

Rest shall be my peace.

My end will be contentment.

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THe end is always nearing, seeking reparations from life.

THe demise is ever-looming, wanting the payment for existing.

The beginning of forever is always there, waiting to begin.

The resolution of life is ever-present, seeking to start.

Allowing life to end and forever to start, will be my eternal satisfaction-

the one joy I will forever embrace.

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Miserably I fail at all that I do,

Joyfully I succeed at nothing I attempt.

Inable to do anything I choose, I wallow in self hatred.

I hate the result of most of my ventures,

I love the dissatisfied feeling that overwhelms me.

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My life, self-stalled.

My hatred, self-fulfilled.

My pain, self-inflicted.

My life, self-hated.

My demise, self-created.

My angst, self-centered.

My life, self-deprived.

My death, self-awaited.

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what i once was, i forever shall be... i am noone, unless i am me.
misery beseiges, and despair abides.... if i live my life, it will be a surprise
seeking refuge in a world of light, searching for illuminationin the ubiquitous night....
now i'm sinking deeper within... now i'm falling, waiting for the ride to end.

for the one guy who is in my life, to the only extend... this is for if i let him find me, after i achieved my greatest joy:
here i lie, embracing my mortality,
'tis am i, the incomplete being...
my imperfections on display,
my fallacies in the open...
harming myself to prove a point,
hurting youto find my joy...
alone i was, and forever will be.
here i lie in the place i died - far beyond happy

this would be for if i decided to let my parents find my joy... but that is unlikely, b/c they wouldn't see the real joy in it:
planned, and attempted for, i may have been...
unwanted and refused, i have been...
got what i wanted, when i wanted - thus my demise.
denied by some on the most painful of levels,
sought after on the most demeaning.
what a fake life i lived- happy and carefree.
the misery was real- pain and betrayal.
seeking a reprieve, i found solace
in am attempt for joy, i found the end.

if i decide to let my younger sister find my happiness, which i likely wouldn't do..a s she is weaker than am i... :
i made promises i could not keep
i made decisions that caused me to weep
i want no more from this life
i want nothing but to end the strife
i know i told you i would not
i found out, that even for you, i couldn't not
i'm more sorry now than i ever was
i'm but a flawed person, even as your big sister.. i was.

i lock myself in the box, placing myself on display... i step into my cage, wishing the walls were opaque... i press myself into a corner, seeking to protect my fate... i try to defend my stand, knowing this will never change... i sink into my darkened corner, knowing i'm eternaly judged.
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now i'm headed off to bed, to find a place to lay instead.... there i'll lay, and they my mind to ponder.... my day, my life, my journey.... each day i must make the choice to make it out, and hear the voice.... the voice that leads me thru my day, the voice that says ' yes, this a-away'... that voice is telling me to follow now, to my bed, so please allow.
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what i once was, i forever shall be.... as i am noone, unless i am me. misery beseiges, and despair abides.... if i live my life, it will be a surprise. seeking refuge in a world of light, searching for illumination in the ubiquitous night..... now i'm sinking deeper within... now i'm falling, waiting for the ride to end.
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here i lie, embracing my mortality, 'tis am i, the incomplete being... my imperfections on display, my fallacies in the open... harming myself to prove a point, hurting youto find my joy... alone i was, and forever will be. here i lie in the place i died - far beyond happy
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unwanted and refused, i have been... got what i wanted, when i wanted - thus my demise. denied by some on the most painful of levels, sought after on the most demeaning. what a fake life i lived- happy and carefree. the misery was real- pain and betrayal. seeking a reprieve, i found solace in am attempt for joy, i found the end
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Now I lay me down to sleep... all my sorrows in a heap.... tossed aside, to be forgotten... left alone, out of my brain- rottened. Peaceful sleep I search for now... have been enthralled in contempting laughter... I make my way into rest... gently snuggling- sleep, peaceful sleep... quiet sleep.... lulling sleep- eluding, painful, tormenting.. sleep.
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my mind wanders along on this dreamless night... pondering and contemplating, thinking and placating.... i want so little, yet seek so much.... making my life into one big fuss.... i meander around and muddle through at last.... i drift..fluttering away.
like a butterfly fluttering in flight...
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[x] I'm Crystal.
[x] Female, down to the weight obsession.
[x] I can't be bought.
[x] But I will lend myself out.
[x] I like to dance.
[x] But only when alone.
[x] I love music.
[x] Likely not he cutest gurl you have met.
[x] Probably one of the rudest.
[x] Most repulsive.
[x] Shyest.
[x] Loudest.
[x] Quietest.
[x] Sensitive.
[x] Cold-hearted BiTcH.
[x] And I may just be one of the most complex people you will ever meet.
[x] But you won't know just how complex until I feel comfortable around you.
[x] If I want you to know, I'll tell you.
[x] Other than that, back off.
[x] I hold my friends to a high standard.
[x] Knowing they are unreachable, I do it anyway.
[x] Only because I love them.
[x] I'm Southern born and bred and don't ever forget that.
[x] My favorite color is not pink.
[x] Is not black, nor red.
[x] Is not blue, nor green, nor yellow.
[x] I have a select few friends.
[x] And I hold them near and dear to me.
[x] I miss a few of the ones I used to have.
[x] I like to eat meat.
[x] And vegetables.
[x] I am self-absorbed.
[x] Am an only child.
[x] Yet I have a sister, or two.
[x] Nieces and nephews numbering three.
[x] I like to be cuddled and cradled, rock and held.
[x] Hold my hand, touch my face.
[x] Keep your hands off if you know what's safe.
[x] Difficult to ignore.
[x] Manipulates others well.
[x] Procrastinates like none you have seen.
[x] I am one to be either loved or hated, never tolerated.
[x] I am taller and broader than most.
[x] My breasts perplex me.
[x] I like people who are aggressive and up front.
[x] Yet possess gentle tact.
[x] I'm shy.
[x] I'm verbose.
[x] I'm lazy.
[x] I work too much.
[x] I'm moody and temperamental.
[x] I thrive on entropy.
[x] I'm hyper.
[x] I'm lethargic.
[x] I believe in all my endeavors, even if it doesn't have a chance.
[x] I love being outdoors.
[x] I love hunting.
[x] I love to dress up.
[x] Jeans and a tee are my thing.
[x] I hate mornings.
[x] My classes are early.
[x] I hate stupid people.
[x] I hate my hair curly.
[x] I hate to straighten my hair.
[x] I drink too much.
[x] And smoke more than I should.
[x] I hate fake people.
[x] Yet, I seldom show my true self.
[x] That's me, an endless contradiction.
[x] So go fuck yourself hard.
[x] That is not a joke.